ASSISTED LOVING

"Some people have kids. Others have pets. I have my father."

In an effort to maintain my sanity, I wrote a short ( “2 Flush read”) digital Kindle Book (no trees harmed in the making of this book) that you can read on your digital device. 

Once upon a time a single lesbian woman lived an active life of travel, creativity and career hoping. While her commitment to LGBTQ politics and art continues, her ability to live the carefree life came screeching to a halt when she made a deal with the devil, er, her father, to take care of him in his last chapter of life.

It is part “How-to” part “comedy “ part autobiography“. It costs less than a latte and will not fund my retirement at this rate. I believe I am the lowest selling Kindle Author. 

I have a Facebook page. 

(If you should want to buy it...)

Amazon 

 LAST CHAPTER ADDED AUGUST 2020

I know, I know. I kvetched and joked about how O.G. was the Energizer Bunny who just kept going and going...

After 13 years of living in that lovely Sherman Oaks condo, time began to take its toll on both of us. I was in the midst of my full body joint replacement campaign, something that happens when you live a full life and are bad to the bone. I was aging in direct proportion to Dad--we were simultaneously breaking down together.

Despite my stubborn "I can do it" attitude, I knew I couldn't continue on. As O.G. was declining and more dependent on personal care help, I couldn’t manage that physically or emotionally. I knew something had to change or my next stop would be the San Bernardino women's prison.

So the search began for Dad's next abode began--and this part of the "caretaking trip" is NOT FUN. I found a senior living advisor to recommend housing options and brought several friends to accompany me in the search.

I discovered many options with a variety of price points. At the top of my list was the Jewish Home for the Aging. They had it all--and a luxury price tag to go with it!

• Adult Day Care
• Geriatric Clinic
• Home Care
• Transitional Care
• Short-Term Rehab
• Palliative Care
• Hospice Care
• Luxury Apartments
• Residential Care
• Dementia Care
• Psychiatric Care
• Skilled Nursing

I attempted to fill out the mere 22-page! application that asks for EVERYTHING financial. But when I was told it would cost 8K a month, I withdrew the application. I love my O.G., but not that much--we weren’t rollin’ like that.

The smaller care facilities, especially the "memory care" or locked units were less expensive but still out of my reach. Fortunately Dad was not a “wandering Jew” so he didn’t need that level of security. At that time, Dad was still going to ONE Generation adult daycare, so many of the services at those facilities were being provided by his wonderful daycare.

Then I looked into the next level of eldercare--a level that is not available in all states called Board and Care. So just what is a "board and care" home you ask?

A board and care home is a licensed 24-hour care property. Often operating in someone's personal home, these senior living facilities offer room, board, 24-hour staffing, assistance with bathing, dressing, medications and personal care. I discovered that many houses in the valley have been remodeled for this board and care purpose. There are usually 6 rooms for residents with their own full bathrooms. Home cooked meals are prepared for the residents, addressing individual dietary needs. The atmosphere is relaxed with a giant TV in the living room allowing residents to sit in their easy chairs and be part of the goings-on. Often the staff lives there too.

I looked at several homes and made the final decision based on the following factors: a familiar, close location; reasonably priced (no hidden fees); and it had to have a good vibe. I realize that good vibes can’t be measured, but like so much of what we do in life--choosing a school, house, or partner--it’s based on how we feel, going with the gut.

And my gut was right about this place. After a month of visiting my Dad and him asking me if he was going to go home, he eventually ended our visits with "Nice to see you and thanks for coming over!" I attribute this to the warm vibes from Linda (the owner) and the caregivers Sonny (cook/medicine scheduler) and JoJo (main caregiver). This amazing crew created a safe and comfortable environment for O.G. and myself--especially JoJo, who will remain my friend forever. A word of advice for those of you hiring caregivers--give them monthly tips! It seems like most of the caregivers in California--and the world--are from the Philippines. They’re hardworking, compassionate folks who are frequently separated from their families and send much of their income back home. So cash is king! They are, after all, wiping your loved one's derrieres.

Most people have characterized my Dad as a nice guy. And he was, right up until the end. I like to think he remembered a conversation we had many years ago. I suggested that when it was “his time,” he’d go in his sleep–easy for him and easy for me. And, damn, if that's not just what he did! The day before Dad passed, I’d taken his 2020 California Primary absentee vote by mail ballot for him to "fill" out and sign--and we even memorialized it with a photo. I won't say who he voted for, but let’s just say it was a woman ;)

The next morning after I saw him, I was awakened by a call from Linda (the owner of the facility)--you know it’s never good news at 7am. She said Dad had passed in the night. Finally the Energizer Bunny ran out of juice. He was just two months shy of his 98th birthday. Damn if he didn't give me the gift of an easy death. He also passed before the COVID-19 2020 lockdown. I was spared the fear and separation from my father, unlike far too many people during the pandemic. Another gift.

When I put together a slideshow for my Dad’s memorial/"Shiva-lite", I discovered a few things that I had never read. I found a letter that Dad had written to his Mother dated September 16, 1945 (after the war ended on September 2, 1945). Finding little snapshots into my Dad made me realize how we never really know another person. We may think we know our parents because they retold their stories over and over, but it’s only the curated bits they wanted us to see. Most of us are lazy and accept the surface without ever scratching beneath.

If there’s one thing that I come away with from this chapter of my life, it’s to listen more closely to the ones I love. To ask questions, even the difficult ones, because once those loved ones are gone the answers will be also. Now I realize I have the responsibility to tell my stories, to love deeply and to listen.

To borrow from the parting words of my daily meditation app, “Thank you for reading, and have a good day.”